A Voice for Freedom

1) Eat turkey. Preferably one you shot yourself. If there are any vegetarians at your table, make fun of them. Make "vegetarian stuffing" for them and put bacon bits in it.

2) Overeat. Give thanks for excess calories and trans fats.

3) If anyone mentions Native Americans, thank them for introducing Europeans to corn and move on. Mention of the "dark history" of Thanksgiving should be met with something along the lines of "that was four centuries ago; get over it, you moron". The phrase "smallpox blankets" should be met with a faceful of mashed potatoes.

4) Set the table with an obscene amount of food. If the family wacko with the Obama bumper sticker accuses you of not caring about starving people in [insert random distant part of the world here], you've done well.

5) Following #4, donate leftovers and/or canned food to a local church or homeless shelter, undermining your Obama-voting relative's claims that conservatives don't care about anyone but themselves.

6) Drink and smoke, if you are so inclined. If someone says you're "taking years off your life", offer to do the same to theirs.

7) Buy your food and decorations at Wal-Mart. Not only will you be saving money, you'll be contributing to that terrible American culture of demanding low prices and convenience.

8) And, of course, enjoy the holiday, and give thanks for all the good things in your life.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!